Ask Gaston

EDITOR'S NOTE:  Congratulations to Emily Postpile, Scree's regular advice columnist, who has been selected for the 1995 Poulan Weed-Eater American Express Earth Day Everest International Peace Climb and Chili Cook-off.  Filling in for her here will be noted French climber Gaston Rabbitface.  With an officially certified IQ of 107.328, Gaston is listed in the Guiness Book of World Records as the World's Smartest Alpinist.  He will be supplying Scree readers with mountain etiquette rules, route information, gear tips and advice to the lovelorn.

Dear Gaston:  When we're splitting up gear at the trailhead, my partner inevitably shows up with a tiny pack and asks for stuff that's "small but heavy," rather than stuff that's "bulky and light".  After a few years of this I am beginning to suspect he's scamming me.  What do you think?

My dear reader:  Let us all pause for a moment while Gaston lifts the problems of the entire world onto his weary shoulders.  Uhhhnn!  That ought to do it.  Now, as Gaston has repeatedly had to explain to that chowderhead Carl Sagan, a black hole is small and heavy, while the Crab Nebula is bulky and light.  Here on earth, even someone as cerebrally challenged as you ought to be able to figure out that tea bags weigh less than a North Face VE-25 tent.  Now go wipe that drool off your face.

Dear Gaston:  I have a crush on a cute woman who comes to PCS meetings, but I don't know if she likes me.  What should I do?

My dear reader:  Gaston can only imagine what a chore it is for you to get out of bed every day without a brain or a spine.  I have forwarded your question to Ask Beth.  Look for your answer next week, right after one about teenage masturbation.  Now go and trouble me no more.  Gaston has spoken!